cotton wool panic

Tonight I went and saw Ian Meadow’s Between Two Waves at Griffin Theatre. It was bleak and beautiful; indeed, much more can be said for it except that one mome

nt made all else fade into the background for me, like the snake-fuzzy hiss of bad radio

feedback.

The protagonist has high anxiety about the general malaise of man and his destruction of the world, which is compounded in one scene by his inability to explain to ‘the girl’ that he had meant to call but his own social awkwardness had rendered him incapable of action. She proceeds to rant/rave around stage, blissfully unaware of his rising panic, until he is brought to his knees with an anxiety attack, choking and spluttering apologies about his behaviour. The girl begins to photograph him, which only exacerbates his terror (watching him I could feel my own lungs filling with cotton wool stuffed hysteria).

Something breaks through, though – she finally sees him. And what does she do? She kneels down in front of him, takes his face between her hands and gently kisses his mouth. She keeps his lips on hers, having panic-air blown into her own lungs until his chest-heaves slowly even out.

She literally swallowed his panic.

And they just sat there, their lips glued together, as the lights slowly faded around them.

Theatre, right? Fuck.

this man

Cowering from the caustic boozing, his liver-nub sits, bruised and bruising, like the woman who quivers in the office toilet feeling the knuckles kiss her eyesocket Starbursting brilliant lights.
The cool tap-tap of his nail against the bottle-neck reassures him against the uneven rapid-fire of his heart.
What is that blood-pump even worth? he thinks with disgust.
A stained grin: it must be pickled by now.

His companion’s head dips down to rest on the sticky-stained bar top.
Soft thud.
Slipping down, his glass hits the floor from fingers loosed by liquor snores.
Soft thud of spreading suds underneath their chairs.
That face, like an overgrown onion – all raw flesh and sprouts of hair –
Moles like muddy water splashed across his neck with a tide mark to his jaw.
Hard getting laid with a face like that.
Must be why he’s sitting here, dribbling on the sticky-stained bar top.

Mumbling, his companion’s sleep-words burst bubbles.
Round, wet spit-bubbles.
He smiles: the acrid popping sweet-notes his swaying, tuneless swaying to his friend’s burping melody – that rotten jazz, steeped too long in dark-club-barley-smoke.

He’s ready for air, ready to retch at this stranger stuck to the sticky bar-top.
Ready to reel into the dark-edged night and fall on some soft rest,
A bed or park-grass,
Just some peace from shaking hands and shaking strangers.

Flashes of pale fingers, jasmine, morning light on red hair on rumpled sheets.
A seldom-seen memory, now.

It’s rent and ripping at the seams, bare threads shivering like quivering nerves.

Gun-shot: jerk awake.
Just a car.

The white sheets fade in the dawn-blue-tinged-night.
His sweat mixes with dew-grass leaving a cold dream-chrysalis.

©Liv Satchell 2012

Wren

There was a girl in class today who was giving a presentation on Susan Howe’s ‘The Midnight’. Her name was Wren and she wore a bright blue and green dress, almost consciously adopting her namesake’s feathers. As a prelude to her presentation she announced that she had been late to this semester of work because she had been responsible for organising her father’s funeral.
“My father died suddenly and unexpectedly…I decided to tell you because I can’t seem able to stop talking about it.”
It was as though saying it, in this classroom of strangers, was a reconfirmation of the fact.
She had polished-plum-deep nails and a lip-stud.
I felt gripped by an impulse to ask if she was OK but was caught by the absurdity of such an idea – of course she isn’t OK.

Maybe our trigger to ask such inadequate questions is a mask for our desire to show concern or empathy – it’s just that language is being inadequate again.

She said something so beautiful – ‘you should treat me as a really suspicious reader as I tried to use this text to work out how to reconstruct the pieces of a person after they’re gone.”

the angels

I went backpacking the summer of 2010/11 with my best mate and discovered, in Vienna, both Schiele (along with Klimt) and Rilke at the same exhibition. Some curator had made the genius stroke of pairing the poet with these artists and I will never forget reading these words on one of those unsuspecting plain white boards, which try to articulate each painting’s point:

Rainer Maria Rilke, “The Angels”

They all have lips profoundly tired
and lucid souls without a seam,
and yearning (like a sin desired)
moves sometimes slowly through their dream.

They nigh resemble one another
and walk His gardens silently:
so many intervals that gather
in God’s majestic melody.

But only with their wings extending
do they call forth the heaven’s gales:
like sculptor God Himself were bending
the pages, and His hands were mending
the book of dark creation tales.

Translated by Walter A. Aue

Hey, world.

This is the morning after, so to speak.

The morning after the last day. 

Yesterday was the final night of my first indie show, Heart Dot Com. It was a multi-playwright project which explored how we choose to communicate with each other in this modern age where time and space have been ripped apart (where we may contact anyone, anywhere, in the world at the click of a button but choose not to make eye contact on the train).

I kept an online scrap-book, of sorts, during the rollercoaster ride of mounting this production: http://thevoiceinmyhands.wordpress.com/.

There were two main reasons for this.

1. I wanted to create a conversation about the ideas in this piece that stretched beyond the doors of the theatre.

2. I am terrible at sitting still and as a result ‘reflection’ is not an activity that falls into my skill-set. I can’t even put it under my ‘misc’ skills in my CV. However, setting myself the challenge of writing about the process everyday forced me to put on the ol’ reflection-hat and the benefits of that have been vast. Over the couple of months that I wrote the blog I could feel my ability to understand what I had learnt/newly-witnessed from day to day grow like some sort of overactive gland.

The show’s over now but all the life-veins are still beating so I’ve decided to set up a new scrap-book. A life one, I guess. It’s pretty self-indulgent but it makes the focusing lens a bit clearer, which can’t hurt.